Wednesday, September 1, 2010

The Internet, Part III

How It Works

Internet food chain.
PROTIP: Stupid shit you put of yourself on the Web stays there forever.
No one knows how the Internets work, nor do they care. Extensive research by Alan Turing shows that they can have intelligence and be indistinguishable from people but it has since been deciphered that they communicate in very different ways.
Computers talk like this:
ONE ZERO ZERO ONE ZERO ZERO ONE ONE ONE ZERO!
People talk like this
"LOLLERCOASTER!!!! ^_________________^ ASL"
Neither one makes any sense but sometimes the computers replace the ONE ZERO stuff with BEEPS and BOOPS like on non-cable modems (the phone kind, aka dial-up). Because that travels over speech wires. Cable Modems are faster because they travel over TV. The scrolling stuff at the bottom of CNN Headline News is fast like a cable modem.
Everybody likes to flame people for asking for illegal warez, but in truth EVERYTHING on the internet is illegal. That includes YouTube, mp3s, and anything on 4chan. There is no such thing as legal on the Internets.
It has also been speculated that the Armenians have used their magic powers to give birth to the internet at least 100 years ago but this was dismissed as total bullshit at a meeting last Thursday. However, it was agreed that Jews did 9/11, and that Turkish culture is an oxymoron.
Also remember to think twice before you doing anything REALLY stupid because the Internet never forgets.

How 2 Internet

Just because you can hire an under payed lonely tech support guy to set up your internet and show you how to use Google doesnt mean you are using the internet correctly. Just because you can watch and post videos on Youtube doesnt mean you are using the internet correctly, and if you ARE posting videos on Youtube, chances are you ARENT using the internet correctly. Here are some simple steps to properly use your new internet:
Excuse me, WTF are you doing?
  1. Abandon all sense of self worth, realize you are worthless on the internet, regardless of who you think you are.
  2. Get internets
  3. Uninstall AOL
  4. Get Firefox
  5. Pirate an antivirus program
  6. Get porn
  7. Don't be a fuckwit
  8. debate with like minded people
  9. View as many Shock sites as humanly possible to desensitize you.
  10. Don't be a nigger
  11. Get moar porn.
  12. ????
  13. Profit only if you're a giant multinational corporation
  14. Don't be Jewish.
  15. Don't be a spic
If you do not want to be a pirate nor view shock sites, we suggest that you follow steps 1,2,3,and 4 and then stop being a nigger and quit the internet.

Internet Phenomenon

The "internet phenomenon" is the tendency for suicide, murder, and rape to increase as people gain access to the Internet. It is best described as an exponential curve which most developed countries are just starting to travel.
An Internet Phenomenon can also take the form of an annoying game or meme that spreads itself around the internet so much that it is considered a phenomenon.

Anonymity

Privacy is for babies.
It's been scientifically proven that the Internets instantly turns you into an ass. This is due to the fact that unlike IRL, there are absolutely no social consequences to how you behave (e.g., using "internets" exclusively to refer to The Internet, because it's "really funny" [in any context] and makes you a legitimate member of The Community, with no subsequent mass slapdowns).
Anonymity also allows people to entertain bizarre notions that would otherwise be suppressed or dismissed as completely inappropriate for an intelligent human being. Prior to the invention of the Internets, geographic separation and social sensibility would have made people think twice before having a bowel movement in their under clothing. The Internets however has facilitated the formation of a communities where similarly damaged individuals provide each other with mutual legitimization.

credits to ED

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